


Denial Can Last Forever But The Heart Cannot

by DrizzlyMango



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alfor is awful, Allura (voltron) in Denial, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Closeted Character, Coming Out, Denial, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Baggage, F/F, F/M, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Lance (Voltron) in Denial, M/M, Not Beta Read, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Denial, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Societal Pressures, Sorry Not Sorry, Sorry tex, Sort Of, Supportive Coran?, Theres always angst, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, dealing with FEELINGS, supportive friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:48:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22964905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrizzlyMango/pseuds/DrizzlyMango
Summary: A story of self-discovery I guess. Because misery loves company. The closet isn't big enough for two.Allura and Lance both are coming to terms with feelings they've been repressing for years. It's a story about them grappling with their feeling and drawing their own conclusions.
Relationships: Adam/Shiro (Voltron), Allura/Lance (Voltron), Allura/Lotor (Voltron), Allura/Romelle (Voltron), Hunk/Shay (Voltron), Keith/Lance (Voltron), Pidge/Technology
Kudos: 31





	1. Two Decades of Denial in Counting

**Author's Note:**

> So this deals with issues I have noticed and I hope none of these trigger any as it may be hard to read but I'm using this as an outlet to grapple with my own denial. Something I've essentially forced myself into for years and I didn't truly realize how common this is among people. Especially in societies that dictate female socialization. How women are brought up to please and be appealing to men. So some of these feeling are very charged and still kind of raw. 
> 
> But please know that love should never be up to someone else. You are in charge of your own feelings. Society or even family or friends should never force you to think your feelings are validated. I wish I could go back in time and really get the point across to my past self but just know you aren't alone.

Morning lectures were a bitch. Sure Lance slept through most of his 8 eight ams. Thankfully he could count on Hunk. How his best friend was able to do it he didn’t know. But that beautiful ray of sunshine always came through.

Lance sipped miserably from his coffee as he tried to reign his focus in on what his biology professor was saying. It was ten in the morning, and it was too early for this. His mind was elsewhere, as it usually was before one in the afternoon. 

He’d been swiping through one of the many dating apps the night before and he could feel the hesitation with each tap and swipe. The hardest part was the anxiety that came from changing the preference settings. Did he want to see females, males, or everyone. 

He rationalized that females were acceptable, if not the most ideal choice he could have made, everyone he could play off as just wanting to get to know more people… but males… that was something that stressed him out. He couldn’t rationally explain that one away. 

Sure he’s never been the straightest arrow in the quiver but what difference did that make it's 2020 and a majority of the younger generations weren’t totally straight. He knew he was just overthinking everything, but his mind was still hung up on it. 

It picked at his brain so completely that it was consuming him. Why? Why was it so hard to admit to himself that liking boys was okay? 

He glanced to his left, noting Keith absent-mindedly doodling on his notebook instead of taking down the lecture slides. His other best friend had been out of the closet for years. He was so confident and at ease that it made Lance jealous at times. Not at Keith’s expense but because he had been able to grapple with the idea and make peace with it. 

The anxiety of it all was weighing heavily on him. Keith noted the lingering stare, squinting his eyes at him, it caused his glasses to slip a little on his nose and Lance felt his mouth twitch into a hint of a grin. 

Keith needed reading glasses after their freshman year of college and it had irritated him to no end. Lance had been nothing short of supportive when helping him find flattering frames. Lance had switched over to contacts in high school just because he was notorious for breaking frames. But he kept a spare pair in his bag regardless. 

Keith turned away, pen scratching away on this notebook before he tilted it towards Lance. 

“Are you okay?”

Lance smiled, but even he could tell it wasn’t convincing.

“I’m just overthinking” he scrawled back. 

He was expecting Keith’s golden advice back, something along the lines of, “Then don’t overthink.” Those genius types really had a way with people problems, you know. 

Keith nodded, but instead he slid a blank Tic-Tac-Toe grid to Lance. 

Lance blinked down at it before grinning, boldy marking a blue “X” in his favorite corner. 

Keith’s answering grin was feline as he marked a bold red “O”.

* * *

Allura glanced around the lecture hall, her "practical" heels pinching her toes and tearing at the skin of her foot a little. Walking the half mile to her class was honestly brutal. 

But her parents and doting uncle had impressed the importance of looking put together from a young age. It was something she was still uncomfortable with. The extreme amount of femininity she gave off was less like a hardened coat of armor, and more like a shield made of egg shells. She was hyper-aware of everything going on around her. The lingering stares, the unwanted attention. 

She knew she was beautiful, it wasn’t in anyway conceited, but she knew that women envied her, and men objectified her. It wasn’t something she’d ever wish upon anyone. If she could she'd tuck her head down and hide behind baggy sweatshirts and sweatpants. Anything to make her fit in. Anything to blend into the background and go unnoticed.

Except that's not what was expected of her. Her father was a multinational billionaire and had appearances to keep up. She in turn, had to play her part, the confident daughter. Which is why she’s stuck in school, in a major she hates, wishing she could shed her skin and become someone else entirely.

With a heavy sigh, she tuned out the stares and made her way to a seat in the middle of the lecture hall.

* * *

Lance knew he was too deep into this shit. He could feel every nerve practically vibrating from anxiety. Maybe the fourth cup of coffee was a mistake. He didn’t miss the way Pidge subtly asked if he forgot to take his ADHD meds this morning. 

His response was clipped, but he forced himself to sit still as they waited on the rest of their friends to meet them for dinner. They all took Friday and Saturday nights off from their various commitments. 

Making time for friends was important. 

Allura was the next to arrive, her makeup flawless, her long silver hair gathered into a high ponytail with a few pieces left to frame her face. Her denim dress showing off her toned body. 

She slipped into the booth with a chirped, “hello” before kicking her heels off and tucking her feet beneath her. 

“How you wear those everyday is beyond me,” Pidge murmured noting the discarded heels under their table. 

“It’s all spite,”

Shiro choked a little on his drink.

“Okay but what's worse, pointed-toe heels or excessive-platform heels?” Keith asked.

Lance made a scandalized face at him. 

“It’s an honest question.” He defended. Cheeks dusted pink. 

“Pointed-toes by far,”

“Mnn” Keith noted sitting back a bit. 

“I’ll take you heel shopping someday and then you can understand true pain,” 

Shiro gave Keith a look over the rim of his glass. 

“Don’t look at me like that, we all know that-”

Shiro kicked him under the table. 

“Sibling abuse.” Keith squawked. 

They all laughed. 

“Why the heels though?” Lance asked, glancing at the message Hunk had sent in the group chat. He was running late, Shay was still stuck in lab and he was her ride off campus. 

“Pride” 

Shiro groaned. 

“Embrace the gay,” Pidge mouthed as Keith nearly roared it. 

Allura felt her skin crawl. She wished she could be like them. To be comfortable discussing such things. Her father had prevented her from such thoughts and conversations as a child as it was seen as improper. Only her Uncle Coran had seemed to take some pity on her. Though he’d give her stern warnings if she got too close with other female children. 

She had to like men. There was no question about it. 

No room for choice. 

Maybe she just hadn’t met, “The One”, yet. 

Maybe she never would. The thought sat heavily in her heart. 

In all the times she’d been asked about her future, about her “Mr.Right” not once had she been able to imagine a face or a name, or even an appearance. There was never anything more than a distinct shadowy figure. NOthing truly identifiable.

She felt Lance’s lingering gaze on her. She plucked the straw off the table and shot one end of the paper at him, before daintily stirring her drink. 

“Allura, save the turtles,” Matt teased, adding the VSCO laugh for effect. He wasn’t always at their end of the week gatherings but it was infinitely entertaining when he was. 

She met his eyes across the table, tugging the scrunchie she had holding her hair hostage, and shooting it at him while she slurped from her straw obnoxiously, gaining a few turned heads from other patrons. 

  
  
  


Hunk had arrived late, but their evening banter had been worth it. 

They’d discussed celebrity crushes, the male ones. 

Pidge’s, “How do crushes work? I'm a smol plant child. I’m ACEEEEEE, I don’t understand. Like do you just look at someone and think. Swipe right on that? Like how?” response was one of the highlights. 

Allura honestly had no idea who any of them were, but decided to agree with Adam’s because the name sounded vaguely familiar. 

She dreaded returning home for the night. It never got any easier to be in a house where any differing opinions than those that had been taught to you were wrong. 

* * *

Lance’s dreams revolved around the general thought that had plagued him all day. The first part was the memory of Keith coming out to him. It hadn’t been in grandeur. It was almost so subtle he missed it. Like it took every ounce of Keith’s willpower to not run away.

  
  


It was the summer after seventh grade. The year itself had been a rollercoaster. Keith’s mother had returned and had ended up marrying Shiro’s father. So Keith was struggling to come to terms with being a sibling, especially to the school’s Golden boy. Shiro was going into high school that summer. But there were things Keith had kept from Lance. He supposed that was fair he did the same with his siblings sometimes. Except Marco. Marco deserved all his tea to be spilt. 

Keith and Lance often traveled to the nearby hiking trails. They’d made one of their own one day after they trusted Keith’s orienteering skills. They never trusted them again, but they’d found an outcropping of rock, a discarded piece of the quarry with a small brook that spilled into a forest pool.

But Lance had been telling a story about a girl named Taylor, they’d all had English together apparently. He remembered the way the rock had been digging mercilessly into his thigh. The poking of pine needles as he leaned back.

“How do you know you like her?” Keith asked, it was as innocent as ever.

Lance had sometimes pitied him, not truly understanding the extent of his friend’s denseness. 

Keith had that whole emo-heart-throb look going for him. The one that had girls falling all over him. While Keith never explicitly stated he was emo he met a lot of the benchmark qualities. The more he pushed the girls away the more they wanted him. 

  
It had hurt at first when Lance learned that many of Keith’s “groupies” used him to get to Keith, but he could never blame Keith for it. Lance supposed his curly brown hair and braces weren’t as attractive.

“You just sort of know?” He finally responded. “She’s just like super pretty Keith?”

“Okay… but like how is she pretty?”

Lance gasped. 

“What- How? How Keith?”

He just blinked his dark blue eyes, violet in the setting sun. 

“She’s just,” Lance gestured wildly with his hands. 

Keith just did the lupine tilt to his head, entirely lost. 

“Wait,” Lance started, clapping his palms together, his fingertips barley brushing his lips. 

“Do you think Rebecca is pretty?”

“No.”

“Emily?”

“No,”

“Liz,”

“No, Lance-”

“Wait, Annie? The one with the long hair?”

“No, Lance I don’t think girls are pretty,”

“You’ve never…” he trailed off.

“No, but sometimes I think boys are pretty,” 

Lance looked over at Keith. 

Keith was staring so intently at the broken stick in front of him. 

“Ohhhhh, so what about Ed?” 

“Huh?” Keith asked, eyes glassy. 

“Do you think Ed is pretty? Cause like he’s got everything going for him he’s-”

Lance rambled on about why Ed would be attractive. I mean sure he wasn’t personally attracted to him, but like.. it’s not gay to admire someone, right?

Lance had never seen Keith look so relieved in his life. 

“So you don’t think differently about me because…” Keith swallowed around the lump in his throat.

“Because you like boys? Nah bro, not at all.” 

The grin was illuminated by the glowing summer sun. They boys raced each other back to their houses as twilight settled in, like nothing had changed between them.

Only.

_It had._

* * *


	2. Gay Disasters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just what the chapter title says. 
> 
> I split this chapter into two parts but this deals with Allura's past relationship attempt with Lotor, and her feelings. Keith and his gay-awakening so to speak, and Lance in the start of a sticky situation.

Allura munched on her cereal, listening to her father talk her ear off about how bad that was for her body. She opened her mouth to reveal a ball of sodden mush on her tongue. 

Coran snorted from where he was steeping tea. 

Her father hissed through his teeth at her. 

“Keep that up and you’ll never find yourself a husband.”

It took everything to not scream and rage about how she didn’t want a husband. She just wanted some damn time to think. She wanted time to deal with all her internal baggage before she had to unload it all on someone else. She didn’t want to hand someone her fragile heart just to watch them shatter it. 

“Then he doesn’t deserve me,” is how she chose to respond. 

Her father slammed his laptop shut. His piercing blue eyes caused her to choke down the rest of her retort.

“My Associate has a charming son, who I’m sure you remember,” 

Allura fought the urge to roll her eyes.

“He understands the world we live in. It’s _why_ you must be like Lotor, Allura. He’s your age and is already successful in the business world. I’ve heard that his professors are practically throwing internships at him. Why don’t you two try to rekindle your love for one another. You could learn a thing or two from him.”

She bit back the, “Yes we bonded over our mutual daddy-issues and self-deprecation. What a healthy relationship that was.” 

Lotor wasn’t all bad, misguided yes. He had a lot of baggage of his own that she couldn't even begin to help him unpack. But they were all misguided. Allura wanted to study international relations. She wanted to be a diplomat, not a CEO. 

Her father's dreams for her were not her own. 

She merely dumped her cereal into a plastic bag, found a spoon and rushed off to school.

The less time she spent in the house the better.

* * *

Keith jolted awake one of his old memories manifesting in dream form. His heart was racing, his breathing ragged. It had been years since it happened but the anxiety and the guilt were as heavy as if it had just happened.

He felt himself lean back into the plushness of his mattress.

For whatever reason he had trauma-inducing flashbacks to his gay awakening, and many, and I mean _many_ , “Gay-Disaster” moments. 

He could remember how much he had seen Shiro struggle with his sexuality. 

Keith had known his preferences almost his entire life. He’d never thought girls were cute, he’d never once experienced attraction to a girl. But boys, that was another story entirely. 

He’d never thought of himself as one-hundred percent straight. It wasn’t until his freshman year of high school that he truly understood how deep into this he was. Even after hinting to Lance that he found men attractive. If that wasn't a big, blaring, red-flag.

Shiro had invited a friend over. Keith had agreed to go to a home meet for Lance, because the swim team was “decent” this year according to Lance.

The boy had explained which events he’d be swimming and Keith took immediate pity over Lance’s coach putting him in butterfly.

Lance stole the show as usual. He helped his team to take the victory over their rival school, beating several personal bests, and even qualifying for sectionals. After a chlorine sodden hug that will probably permanently stain Keith’s dark wash jeans, he managed to make his way back home.

Lance was going out to celebrate with the team. He’d been invited of course, but it just seemed impolite. 

His parents were out of town for the weekend. His mother’s high-stakes job usually meant that Mrs. McClain would stop by to check on them and drag them to eat until they’d need to be wheeled out of the house. 

How Lance was so skinny was beyond Keith, he had to double up on workouts just to shed the weight he put on when Mrs. McClain was in charge of their food. 

But Shiro hadn’t texted Keith he was home earlier so Keith thought nothing as he wandered through their house. It wasn’t until he noticed the discarded shoes and men’s jacket that he paused. Shiro’s bedroom door was open just a crack, he felt guilt setting in his gut as he quietly crept up to the door. Slowing his breathing as he peered through the crack. 

Shiro was in his room, and a boy was with him. Keith had seen Shiro with this boy a few times now. He’d assumed they were just friends. Keith felt his face flush. 

Shiro and the boy were kissing, the sounds echoing in the “empty” house. Their voices were low and grumbly and Keith felt a shiver run up his spine. He knew this was wrong. 

The friend and Shiro let their hands wander, the sounds they made changing slightly, the rustling of clothing, deafening in Keith’s ears. 

Keith felt tears slipping down his face. This was wrong but all the dots were connecting. 

Shiro never brought girls home, never talked about them, never expressed interest in them when their parents embarrassed them by picking out cute girls for them to interact with. 

Keith was quiet the rest of the night, ignoring Shiro’s friend leaving. Ignoring Shiro texting him, thankfully his phone had been silenced, asking him where he was. It was easy to lie. Easier than telling the truth. Keith felt guilty and ashamed. 

He knew he was the last to arrive at the dinner. Lance gave him a skeptical look, because if anything Keith should've been there first. Thankfully Lance is a good friend and didn’t rat him oot. He couldn’t look at Shiro that evening, or the next. 

  
  
  


It’s easy to push people away when you’re coming to terms with things. When you’re working through your own problems. If there's anything he’s guilty of its pushing people away. Sure it comes from deep-rooted childhood, and abandonment issues. Just because his mother waltzed back into his life, years after his father died, didn’t mean everything was right with the world. It was entirely fucked up. 

Keith needed space so it didn’t feel like he was suffocating in the ringing emptiness of his mind. 

Keith never acted on his crushes, he was afraid that in the town that they lived in he’d have an eternal target on his back. He’d be labeled as weird or different because of it. He knew he had a tendency to mistake comfort for attraction. Another fear of starting relationships. 

Plus he could rarely tell if other people were gay. He was too afraid of what could go wrong to take the chance to live his life. He didn’t have Shiro’s confidence. 

It was raining that night, it was a cold, fall day, close to his birthday, and his mind was his own personal hell.

He’d had three panic attacks that day alone, he was already on the verge of another one. The tears fell of their own accord. Keith had come to two very clear and very startling realizations that day. 

_He was gay. And he was gay for his best friend._

Shiro had taken one look at him and made the executive decision to not let him attend school that day. He too wasn’t going in. Thankfully their parents were understanding and called in their absences so the school wouldn’t go hunting for them, they were brutal with their attendance policies.

Shiro had broken out the ice cream and lactose pills, knowing that this would be a terrible day for them all unless Keith could calm down. Keith for all the emotions he’d stiffle, was still easy to read. He wore his barely heart on his sleeve for those that knew what to look for. 

Keith's phone vibrating a series of messages was what pushed him over the edge. Keith staggered hyperventilating, his phone clattering to the floor. Shiro rushed to help calm him down.

  
  
  


Half a gallon of ice cream later, Shiro had managed to find out that no, “He wasn’t hurt. No, Lance and Keith weren’t fighting. No, nobody was bullying him.” But rather something more. Something that hit home on such a raw level Shiro had broken down and cried too. 

Keith had come out as gay. Something Shiro himself hadn’t fully done yet. Sure it was more complicated than that because Keith had it bad for Lance, who was according to Keith, straight. Shiro had his doubts, because there was no way Lance was one-hundred percent straight but he didn’t think mentioning his suspicions would help matters. 

The pair made plans to come out to their parents, it may or may not have involved locking themselves in a closet and coming out at the same time, but hey whatever gets the point across. They would stick together no matter what. 

_Because who cares who you love so long as you’re happy._

* * *

Allura knew that this was wrong, but she needed to do it to make a point. It felt like she was setting her own heart aflame and showering it with stabbing shards of glass but… it had to be done. 

Her preferences meant nothing, not in the eyes of her family, so they shouldn’t mean anything to her. If her father wants a perfect daughter, a straight daughter, that’s what he’d get. 

The cereal sat like lead in her stomach. She could already feel the nausea churring.

She just… needed to breathe.

She could do it.

They were good friends.

It wouldn’t freak the rest of the friend group out would it?

She hoped not. 

They probably didn’t understand what was going through her head. 

_She_ didn’t know what was going through her head. 

According to google, the most reliable thing short of Wikipedia, he exhibited a lot of signs for someone having a crush on her. 

Google sure as hell hadn’t let her down in her three years of bullshitting her way through college, so it couldn’t possibly fail her now. 

_Right?_

* * *

Lance stood frozen staring at his phone. The barista had called his name, again, but his eyes were still wide in alarm and glued to his phone. 

He had two current messages sitting innocently on his notification page. 

One from Allura asking if he’d want to go on a date with her later that night, nothing formal just really causal. 

And the other from his mother, reminding him that his Abuelita was growing older and he still had yet to bring a girl that she approved of home. 

The universe was plotting against him. Nothing ever happened that easily. 

_Not without drastic consequences._


	3. Panics in Gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -  
> Allura’s eyes were wide and Lance was barely keeping it together. They’d been on so many dates by now. Everyone calls them boyfriend and girlfriend but those labels don’t really fit them.   
> -  
> Allura couldn’t contain the guilt eating her alive. She felt like she was going to throw up, or pass out, or both. She brought a hand to her mouth to stifle the sobs threatening to escape.   
> -  
> He looks hollow inside. Fake it til you make it.  
> -

Lance didn’t know why he agreed. At the surface he could rationalize it as Allura is fucking hot, and he felt guilty about disappointing his family. He’s always been too invested in pleasing others to take care of himself. 

He’d rather destroy himself than let someone else suffer. 

He could feel the shock rippling through the friend group. He knew Hunk and Keith were taking it the hardest. He never kept anything from them. Not intentionally at least. 

But explaining why he and Allura were now dating… that was a hard one. He had no good cover for it. They both insisted that they weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend yet, merely taking it slowly. 

Romance would develop over time. 

After they’d broken the news to everyone he hadn’t seen Keith for a couple days. Shiro was pinning him with a look he couldn’t begin to understand. Adam's equally puzzled look followed him. Pidge’s eyebrows were creased like they were trying to figure out an impossible code. At least Hunk was happy for them.

But this was fine. 

If he kept telling himself that then it would be. 

His mother had texted him asking him about this girl he was seeing. She was overly thrilled. 

Lance had brought girls home a couple times before, but his family is a bit much. What he felt for them he thought was what love should have been. 

He could never understand his emotions after breaking up, he felt broken because he felt lighter without them. He wasn’t sure what to make of Allura. 

When they first met he’d made several passes, she’d immediately shut down, so why she all of a sudden cared was beyond him. 

Dating Allura was very different from being friends with her. It was like a switch flipped. Both were stumbling awkwardly around one another. 

It was, in all honesty, a train wreck at first.

But Lance had noticed that she detested physical contact. She'd shy away from it or pretend that it didn't bother her when it did. 

She wasn't subtle. 

He would always ask before doing anything, even just slinging an arm around her shoulder, but that had taken time for her to get used to. 

  
Lance has always been a physical person, it was likely the way he was raised, but he respected that not everyone was like that. Honestly half of his friends now were like that. 

Some had adjusted to it overtime, and were alright now but others really couldn't handle it. 

They’ve been friends long enough to know that there's something troubling her, but he doesn’t even know how to breach the subject. 

He felt bad doing this, but he was going to take home Allura to meet his family, because maybe then they’d get off his case. 

If they saw he was capable of landing a successful and beautiful girl maybe they’d finally leave him alone. Maybe then they’d be proud of him.

_ Wow he has a lot of issues he needs to work through.  _

He knew it was late. 01:37am to be exact, but if there was anyone he could reach out to and never be judged it was Keith. Hunk as much as he appreciated his friend was a morning person and his help and advice after ten pm was … questionable. 

With Keith though, it was different.

“Hey,” Lance texted, waiting for the tone indicating Keith responded. 

He didn’t have to wait long. Lance tilted his phone towards his face, the light casting his face pale blue. 

“What do you need,”

Lance bit back a laugh.

“I’m panicking can we talk?” 

“Don’t wake up, Hunk.”

“Can we …” Lance stalled, fingers hovering over the keys. 

“I’ll be there in 10, I’m stealing Shiro’s car,”

Lance felt his smile grow wider. 

He shuffled out of bed, he threw on his glasses, grabbing a coat, jamming his feet into his sneakers. He slipped out, making sure his keys didn’t wake Hunk. 

* * *

“It’s weird isn’t it?” Adam asked Shiro, the men laying together in their bed. 

“What is?” Shiro mumbled, though he had an idea.

“They’re both not into the relationship. That’s not love Shiro.”

“No it’s not but love isn’t all that common nowadays.”

“It can be,” Adam smiled. They'd had to work through their own shit earlier in there relationship. Love wasn't easy, but it was worth it. 

“But it isn’t because people settle. People have such mental health struggles and stuff that they can’t see that they can do so much better. Being in a relationship shouldn’t feel forced or like a chore.”

"it's painful to watch," 

Shiro hummed in agreement.

“But Lance is-”

“Yeah, I think most of the friend group knows.” 

“Does _he_?”

“Unlikely.” 

“Gay disaters,” 

“This friend group is like a pride of Gay-disasters.”

* * *

Keith felt himself zoning out. He’d jumped at the concept of helping Lance, the pair had been out until almost five in the morning. 

Keith had work at nine. He’s been here for maybe two hours. 

His self-loathing was practically radiating. 

He’s spent the last six or so years trying to ignore his feelings for his best friend. But practically overnight he and Allura had started dating. Though both of them had kind of played it down, it still hurt. 

He knew what others saw in Allura, but he knew her as a total goof outside of the public eye. 

But Lance had said after their freshman year he was over Allura, sure he’d dated Nyma almost immediately after, and everyone knew how that had ended.

Lance got drunk at a frat party and planted one on another guy. And it got under Keith’s skin, the anger he’d felt was like nothing he’d ever felt before. It was irrational because it was obvious Lance didn’t see him as anything more than a friend. Did Keith do something awful and hook up with a guy afterwards to cope with his feelings, sure, but that's not what this is about. 

Nyma had found out because her sleazy ex was there and ratted Lance out. The break up had been bad. It left Lance empty and hollow and Keith wanted nothing more than to end Nyma and Rolo.

But for the first time in years Lance was content with not being in a relationship.

After ~~stealing~~ borrowing Shiro's car, Keith listened to Lance complain about his anxiety about this Allura relationship over greasy fast food. 

Sitting in the parking lot, the chill and mist sweeping through the town, making the situation that much more daunting. 

He knew deep down that this would only end with is heart being broken but he'd denied his feelings for years now. 

He loved to see Lance happy. 

He hadn't seen him this broken up since after Nyma. 

But then Allura disrupted the temporary peace. Keith felt his teeth grinding, and he unclenched his jaw. It shouldn't bother him. 

He should be happy for his friends.

He could force himself to be happy for his friends.

_Do it for Lance._

His coworker inhaled loudly from her desk. 

“Get over here,” Her accent lilting. 

“Don’t wanna.” He grumbled petulantly. 

She tapped her foot, tossing a long blonde pigtail over her shoulder.

Keith never understood Romelle’s fascination with pigtails. She’d once explained the twin french braids into pigtails was an instagram baddie look. 

Romelle gave off none of those vibes. If anything she reminded him of Princess Bubblegum from Adventure Time.

She was beyond nice, but forceful. 

She was more keen than anyone gave her credit for. 

She had the most disarming personality he’d ever seen. 

How she ended up working at the gym was beyond him. Most patrons assumed that they could get things past her, that she was some delicate thing, but when she handed their asses to them. Oh were their expressions were priceless. 

He begrudgingly sat at the desk next to her. 

Romelle took to braiding his hair. 

At the start of the semester he’d cut it back from shoulder-length to about chin-length, because he was sick of being mistaken for this one campus drug dealer, plus he could rock the man bun. 

She hummed along to one of the songs playing on the recreation’s spotify playlist. 

He just groaned in frustration, smacking his face against the keyboard in front of him. 

She huffed a laugh imitating the sound that his face keyed into the computer. 

He rolled his eyes. 

“He calls me dense, but Mel, this is so hard.”

“Have you ever told him?”

He made a distressed sound.

“Oh right, the whole friendship thing.”

“Are girls like this?”

“Dense?”

“No just... “ He waves his hands in front of him. 

“No, not always. There's like… so many different types of lesbians, though so there are some.” 

“It’s hard to be gay,”

“Preach,” 

“So what did he have to say?” 

Keith let out a long suffering sigh before regaling Romelle with the details. 

* * *

Allura couldn’t contain the guilt eating her alive. 

She’d told her family that she’d begun dating a boy. She even mentioned that they’d been dating for weeks now, but she didn’t want to say anything in case it didn’t work out. 

After the initial thrill from her father wore off the questions, interrogation rather, began almost immediately after. 

They seemed to approve for the time being. Something akin to relief flickering across her father's face. 

“Is something the matter father?” 

“No, I’m just relieved is all,”

“Relieved?” She asked, missing Coran’s warning look. 

“Yes, relieved. You set unnaturally high standards. Your usual desire towards men aligns with those who are, for lack of a better word, unattainable. You give up on relationships with men before they have a chance to go anywhere. Quite frankly, the way you talk about men, like they disgust you, had me worried. You’re such a beautiful girl Allura, you could have anyone, but you turn them all away. I’m not going to lie, your disinterest was… alarming.” 

“Maybe you were right, I just hadn’t found the one yet,” The words tasted of ash and betrayal. Betrayal of who she didn’t know. 

“I’m so proud of you Allura, I was beginning to think that you were…” He shook his head making a face. 

“I was what,” She asked, voice tight. 

“A lesbian.” he concluded, the word hanging heavy in the space between them.

“What’s wrong with lesbians, father?”

She could feel her heart thundering against her ribs. 

“They’re unnatural, Allura. It was never the divine creator’s intention for people of the same sex to love one another.”

Allura bit her tongue, she wouldn’t dare bring up the paper she’d written debunking that theory last year. 

“It’s wrong, and I would have been so disappointed in you. This Empire relies on you marrying and having children to take up the mantle.” 

Allura didn’t catch the pain lingering in those words. Not over the roaring in her head. 

“Yes father,” She managed. 

She felt like she was going to throw up, or pass out, or both. 

  
  
  


She returned to her room, the door clicking softly closed behind her. She wished it had slammed. Slammed so hard it would rattle off the hinges. But it gave a soft and pathetic click, like it was mocking her. 

She brought a hand to her mouth to stifle the sobs threatening to escape. 

She was so upset, and she had a sickening sense as to why.

Deep down she knew. 

She’d known for years, but it was something she was never allowed to have. 

Something she’d been burying since a child.

Allura’s back rested against the door to her room, she felt her knees give out as she slid to the floor. 

Her tears hitting the floor the only sound. 

* * *

“So I know this is kind of sudden but my family wants to meet you.” Lance said out of the blue. 

“Oh?” was all Allura could think to say. She could feel the panic rising. She had hoped he hadn’t been developing feelings, she knew she was sending conflicting messages. She had hoped that would be enough to make him want to break up with her. But having her father basically force her to do “cute” things to hint that she was interested, to keep him wanting more. To keep him wanting her. 

That wasn’t love. That was sick. 

She knew Lance had some feelings for her, the true extent of them though she didn’t know. 

She’d complained to her father about it. She really couldn’t imagine a future with Lance. She was miserable forcing herself to continue the relationship.

Her father told her it was better if the man was more invested in the relationship. To make a game out of it.

_ What the hell was wrong with his generation? _

How is that ever okay? 

“Yeah, I hope you don’t mind, I can always tell them no, but…” He prayed she wouldn’t say no. He needed his Abuelita to approve of at least one girl. 

Allura’s eyes were wide and Lance was barely keeping it together. They’d been on so many dates by now. Everyone calls them boyfriend and girlfriend but those labels don’t really fit them. 

Something about this dynamic didn’t sit right. He was dreading confronting that. Of all the possible implications it could have, but he needed to stick it though. He was overthinking it. 

He always overthinks.

Allura wouldn’t have brought up dating in the first place if there weren’t feelings there right?

“That sounds lovely, when is it?” Allura asked, seeming to recover much faster than Lance. 

* * *

Lance glared at his reflection in the mirror. His navy button up flattering, the dark wash jeans showing off the muscle he's worked to maintain. 

He looks attractive, but it's his eyes. They’re lacking the usual spark. He looks hollow inside. 

Keith was sitting on Hunk’s bed the pair working on a project, they were waiting on Pidge, but they had office hours for another twenty minutes. How Pidge managed to land a TA job in their second semester at college was beyond Lance but he wouldn’t question. The little gremlin was a freaking genius. 

“You look like you’re going to a funeral,” Keith remarked. 

“Ha ha” Even his laugh sounded flat. He sighed, banging his head against the mirror. 

“Seriously, what’s wrong Lance?” 

Hunk had paused his tinkering to look up, worry shining in his big brown eyes. 

“I’m overthinking this,” Lance said, zoning out again. 

He knew that in every single relationship he’s had all he does is overanalyze. He panics and most of the time it's completely irrational. He knows he's insecure. He has a lot he’s still working through and coming to terms with. 

His past relationships have often ended because he’s too caught up in his own head. 

He can’t remember the last time he truly felt happy in a relationship. There was always something lacking in his relationships and he could never figure it out. 

_Fake it til you make it._

He faintly heard moving off to the side but he was still in his head. 

He feels Keith’s calloused hands on his face a moment later.

Lance starles a bit, trying to turn his head to face Keith but Keith stands next him, both of them nearly the same height again. Keith’s fingers squish his cheeks together in the mirror. 

Lance meets his eyes in the reflection. 

Keith has his hair half pulled back into a messy bun, his hoodie doing nothing to hide the amount of time Keith puts in at the gym, his track pants doing similar things. 

Lance feels himself swallow around a lump in his throat. Mouth momentarily dry. 

That meant nothing. The fluttering in his stomach meant nothing either. 

“I can’t do this,” Lance finally mutters. 

“Why do you say that?” Hunk asks, walking to Lance’s other side. 

“I don’t know, I’m just-”

“Listen, if she’s going out with you it’s because she likes you. That stupid, annoying, everyday goofball, Lance.” Keith says, his eyes intense in the mirror. They look closer to charcoal today, he misses the trick-of-the-light violet. 

Lance feels lighter. 

“Awww Keith you do have a heart,” 

Something flickers in his eyes but Keith’s shoulders curl in on a laugh. 

“Who wouldn’t want a piece of this?” Lance laughs gesturing to himself. 

He missed Keith’s shuttering inhale. It was lost in Hunk’s booming laugh. 

“That’s our Lance.” Hunk cheers before adding, 

“Listen, Shay and I have been going out for years and I still freak out.” 

“Seriously?” Keith asks.

“Yeah, I mean every day is like the first meeting all over again, she's just breath-taking.” Hunk sighs dreamily. 

One of the alarms Lance set on his phone cuts through the air.

“Well, I don’t wanna be late.” Lance laughs. 

“Enjoy,” Hunk says. 

“Tell the family I said hi,” Keith says. 

“I’ll be sure to bring home leftovers. Ma always goes overboard.”

* * *

For whatever reason Lance let his mouth run on the way to dinner with his family. It had started off with family stories, childhood memories. He had a bad habit of running his mouth when he was anxious. 

Tonight was no exception. Deep down part of him had wished it was just him taking Keith back home, there would be no explanation needed, and Keith has known him for so long that he’s practically already family. 

Unfortunately he couldn’t undo his word vomit. 

He’d said he was falling for her. 

It wasn’t entirely true but now it was out there and he had no idea what she thought of it. 

She froze a little in the seat before a smile appeared on her face. 

Bright and dazzling, “Me too”

It didn’t quell the anxiety at all. 

Allura was mentally cursing herself. That wasn’t true. She’d just completely screwed herself over. 

Thankfully Lance was able to move on and change the subject. Conversation picking back up and flowing naturally. 

They were both hiding something.

They were both hesitating. 

  
  


Thankfully they’d both discussed boundaries beforehand. They could pass as interest, afterall it was still a fairly new relationship. 

He could feel the criticizing looks from his siblings, Veronica had hid hers the most though she did get some snide comments to Lance in. Even going so far as to ask how his “boy toy” was. Apparently she meant Keith. 

The meeting started like any other. With introductions like: How are you? Where are you from? What are you studying? Do you work? What are your plans after college? Etc. 

Veronica had taken the lead with embarrassing Lance.

She told Allura embarrassing story after story of Lance’s childhood. At least Allura played along with it and countered with her own stories. 

She’d even noticed that Lance’s plate was looking mildly empty and piled more food onto it. He gave her a look that was equal parts agitated as well as grateful.

He could see his grandmother smiling out of the corner of his eye. Allura had just passed one of the many tests.

“She’s better than Nyma,” Marco finally added, ignoring Lance’s protests. The dinner had been going so well and then … Marco. 

“Anyone is better than Nyma,” His mother griped.

Lance groaned, casting a sympathetic glace to Allura. 

Thankfully the rest of the night had smoothed itself out. 

Allura seemed to fit in with his family. Whatever awkwardness had been plaguing their relationship settled into something familiar. 

Lance felt his panic subside, this didn’t feel forced. It felt like he’d brought a friend home to meet his family. Like there were no expectations to be had after this. 

Except it was supposed to feel different, _right_?

Allura is supposed to be more than a friend. 

But was she?

They danced along with the rest of the family, one of his brothers insisting Allura join in despite not truly knowing what was happening. Whatever physical hold ups Allura had had, seemed to disappear. 

The pair adapting to the new found comfort.

They let those emotions linger even after Lance’s family had given their approval. 

Those warm fuzzy feelings that might have been affection burrowing deep within them.

  
It was a pseudo-peace that had settled over their relationship. 

* * *

Allura cringed as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. She was in a periwinkle blue dress, it was more sophisticated than the pink one she'd almost worn, she had a necklace of pearls slung around her neck, matching earrings dangle from her ears. The hints of gold make them stand out from her hair. 

She’d curled her hair, twisting half of it into an elaborate plait. Her heels were simple, chunky heel white sandals, showing off her pedicure. 

Her father was having a banquet for a successful addition to the company, and had demanded Allura bring Lance. 

She’d damn near had a panic attack telling him. 

It was no secret in the friend group that her father was intense, and backwards in some ways of thinking. 

Lance had merely said, "Hey you survived my family, I think I can survive yours." 

She really hoped so. 

She’d dragged him shopping for something that would appease her father. First impressions and all. She’d made sure to start with shoes. 

If she’d learned anything important people had expensive, well made shoes. 

From there it was clothing. Lance had decent taste in clothing. If anything Hunk and Pidge were the biggest clothing disasters in the group. Shiro had his moments too. 

The accessories were the fun part. This aspect of their relationship didn’t feel forced. It wasn’t romantic by any means but it wasn’t forced. It was just them being good friends. 

  
  
  


When she’d walked through the front door with Lance she could immediately feel all attention snag on them. 

Lance took it in stride, ever the gentleman, 

They’d know each other long enough to notice each other's tells, Allura’s were chewing on her lip, or fiddling with her hair. She was biting the inside of her lip at the moment, nervous for what the night would bring. 

Lance seemed to notice and asked if she’d be willing to give him a tour, something easy, something familiar. Something that wouldn’t require a lot of thought.

The tour had been what she needed the pair enjoying the short reprieve before the aires went back on. Their conversation fully detailing expectations, need to know information, and boundaries. 

Alfor had been waiting for them as they returned to the main function. 

At least if this went poorly there would be more than enough witnesses. 

Then again if this went south, maybe that would be worse. She fought the tremor that crawled up her spine at the thought of what would happen if Allura’s father was unhappy. 

Psychological punishment was Alfor’s style. Or maybe it was just because Allura’s psyche was delicate. 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir.”

Alfor ran an assessing eye over Lance. Coran on the other hand looked like he was near bursting with questions. She would have preferred he meet Coran first. Her uncle would have been able to put in a good word for Lance.

“And you, I hear you were finally able to capture my daughter’s heart.”

  
  
  


And so they continued. How Lance managed to have a fifteen minute conversation with her father was beyond Allura. She felt faint, her worlds colliding, she was beginning to over think. 

She knew that this was supposed to be fun, that she was supposed to look and feel so incredibly taken by Lance, but deep down she couldn’t. She’d given it time, months in fact. But now, now she just felt like she was drowning. Like she’d let this drag on for too long and now there was no undoing it. 

_It all felt wrong._

_She felt trapped._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you couldn't tell I've neglected to do any work that I actually need to do because my denial is rearing its ugly head. Like I kid you not I've known for years but for whatever reason after having a few much needed conversations with friends it feels new. Liberating as well as consuming.


	4. This Closet Isn’t Big Enough For the Two of Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’mnotstraight.” Lance blurts, his face blooming scarlet.   
> Shiro turns to the younger man, tilting his head. He knew of course but he wasn’t going to say that… yet.   
> \-------------------  
> “So, you’re not straight and you’re in a relationship with a guy,” Keith surmised.   
> “It’s complicated,” She defended, sending the silverware rattling.   
> “So uncomplicate it,” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tough conversations.  
> Maybe you won't hate Alfor as much.
> 
> If anybody has any coming out experiences, stories, or ideas please let me know. i'm trying to think of a way to do so :)

Several days after the banquet at Allura’s the friend group could notice some tension.

While they both acted like everything was fine. It was obvious something was wrong. 

Both Allura and Lance were hesitating.

It seemed stunted, and forced.

Everyone had assumed that Lance had somehow upset Alfor. 

It was just the opposite. Apparently the man had taken such a liking to him. 

  
  
  


Which begged the question... what was wrong?

* * *

Lance wrung his hands in the hem of his jacket while he waited for Shiro’s office hours to come to a close. Shiro and Adam are graduate students and they teach some of the freshman level classes offered. 

He checked the time on his phone again, smiling when he realized Shiro would be done for the day.

“Hey, Shiro,” Lance started. 

He noted that Shiro had a small crowd of infatuated freshman ogling him. His friend met his stare across the table. 

“Hey, Lance, what’s up?”

“Can we talk for a bit when your office hours are over.” 

“Sure, I’ll be done after we finish this problem.” He said kindly. 

Lance nodded leaning on the desk behind Shiro, he could see Matt a few doors away. He was making faces at Lance, visibly laughing when Lance returned the gesture. 

  
Lance opened his messaging app, delighting in the fact that Matt had been mercilessly teasing Shiro about his horde of freshman admirers. 

Lance could feel the glares of the students as they stood, gathering their supplies, obviously mad about having their time cut short. 

“It must be a serious chat if you came to me, and during my office hours.” Shiro laughed though it didn’t meet his eyes. 

“I have a problem. I’m in deep shit Shiro,” He said, anxiety settling back into his bones. 

“Alright, let’s head back to my place. I can drop you off afterwards.” 

“Okay,” Lance said softly. He missed Shiro sending a series of messages, but followed after him when he began collecting his things. 

* * *

Keith had been minding his own business at work, earbuds hidden under his hair as he clicked uselessly across the screen. Romelle had begged to take care of the issue inside the gym so he got stuck answering questions that literally were answered online, and on the multiple flyers taped around the office. 

When Allura stumbled through the office doors a few minutes before his shift ended Keith knew something was incredibly wrong. He’d never seen her look more unhinged. Her hair was a mess, her clothes didn’t match, she was in a pair of baggy sweatpants he didn’t know she owned.

“Keith,” her voice rasps, tears already lining her eyes. 

“Allura-” 

His first thought was of Lance, something must have-

“I’m gay and I can’t do this anymore.”

Keith blinked. Of all the things he had expected to hear Allura say, this was never an option.

He blinked, shaking his head out of the daze. 

He stepped around the desk, opening his arms to her. 

“Shhh, it’s okay. You’ll be okay. It’ll all be okay.” He soothes, rubbing circles into the small of her back. 

Her sobs were embarrassingly loud in the recreation office. 

Keith just held her, at a complete loss of words. 

Keith heard the glass doors open, he watched romelle pause, tilting her head as Keith slowly rocked with Allura. 

“What’s wrong?” Romelle mouthed at him. 

“Long story,” was what Keith mouthed back. 

Allura sniffled, stepping out of his grasp, she took a shivering breath. 

“Tissue?” Romelle asked, extending a box of them towards Allura. 

Allura’s lip quivered as she took one. 

“I can’t do this, Keith,” Her voice was raw. 

“Let me clock out and then we can really go and talk about this,” 

She nodded. 

Romelle smiled softly at Allura. 

“I know I’m probably overstepping my bounds here, but,” Romelle toyed with the end of one of her braids. 

Allura turned her gaze up. Thankful that her face was already flushed from crying. 

“No man is worth your tears.”

“I suppose you’re right.” 

“But something tells me there's more to the story.” 

“That’s putting it mildly.” 

Romelle tilted her head. 

“I put myself in a situation because I’m too afraid of disappointing other people. It’s easier to hurt myself than it is to deal with other people’s pain.” 

“Oh, hun,” Romelle breaths, “That’s not healthy at all,” 

“No, I suppose not, but it was easier at the time.”

“But is the current stress worth it?”   
  


“It was for past me.” 

Romelle made a sympathetic face before biting her lip in thought. 

“Do you want a hug?” 

Allura didn’t trust her voice, but nodded. 

Romelle despite being a fraction shorter, pulled Allura into a tight hug. She felt the other melt into the embrace smiling softly as she pet Allura’s hair. 

“Did you drive here?” Keith asked, watching as the women embraced.

“No, I ran.” 

Keith just shook his head in disbelief. 

“Alright we’ll head out for a bit, I’m assuming you don’t want to be home, and Shiro just texted me not to come home for a bit. 

“Why?” Allura asked, she couldn’t help but wonder. 

“After walking in on him and Adam one to many times I've stopped asking.”

Allura felt a laugh bubble past her lips, following after him. She paused as they were walking through the doors to Keith’s female coworker. 

“I- um- Thank you,” Allura finally settled on.

“You’re welcome. Good luck!” 

“Thank you,” Allura smiled. It felt genuine and at ease. The first she’d had in a while. 

* * *

  
  


“So,” Shiro started, passing Lance a cup of steaming hot tea, some fancy brand Adam was obsessed with at the moment. 

Lance bit his lip, staring at the tea blankly. 

Shiro just sighs, moving about to find some sort of comfort food that wouldn't result in him accidentally burning the house down. 

“I’mnotstraight.” Lance blurts, his face blooming scarlet. 

Shiro turns to the younger man, tilting his head. He knew of course but he wasn’t going to say that… yet. 

“I’m…” Lance let out a shaky exhale. 

“I’m not straight.” 

“Nice, congrats,” Shiro supplies, digging through one of the cabinets. Maybe they had cookies. He remebers being suckered into purchasing some cookies from the girl scout selling them in the commons.

Lance let out a sound that was somewhere between a squawk and a screech. 

Like one of those rubber chickens that screams. 

Shiro covered his huff of laughter with a cough. 

“This is serious, Shiro,” Lance whines, his hands running through and tugging at his hair.

Shiro can see the frustrated tears forming in Lance’s bright blue eyes. 

“There's nothing wrong with not being straight, Lance. Honestly our generation is made of a majority that aren’t 100% straight. There's nothing wrong with boys who love boys, or girls who love girls. Hell anybody can love anybody…” Shiro paused before hastily adding, “As long as it’s consensual,” 

He heard Lance’s huff of laughter and took that as a good sign. 

“The other night I just crashed Hunk’s date with Shay because I was so upset. I had no idea why I was upset. I just felt… off. I knew something wasn't right. And Bless Hunk and Shay, they were both angels and tried to help me calm down. They made me evaluate my feelings and stuff. Which I guess sort of helped. But… I realized the friendship I have with them is different from what I have with other people in this friend group. I realized what I want out of the relationship and its… it’s not what I have with Allura. It’s not something I’ve ever really wanted out of a relationship with a girl.”

His breath turned shaky. 

“I know I’ve been sort of pushing Keith away too. And like the guilt for that didn’t turn consuming until the other night. Do you know how hard it is to pretend you’re fine when you're not? Or to tell people you’re fine when you’re not because you can’t even figure out what’s wrong with you in the first place. And Keith… we've been friends for ages but this… ever since I’ve been with Allura it’s been… harder. I see him and I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I’m with Allura.”

Shiro rubs soothing circles into his back, giving him the space to collect his thoughts. 

“I knew. I’ve always known I wasn’t completely straight. But like… I thought I liked girls but now I’m not sure I do.” His voice rose in panic. 

“Shiro I can’t do this.” Lance panted, vision spotting. 

Shiro squeezed Lance’s hand, “Lance look at me. Can you breathe with me?” 

Shiro led him through breathing exercises. Letting him find his calm again. 

“What do I do?” Lance sobbed. 

Shiro’s eyes turned sad. There was no easy way out of this. 

“Lance there's no real easy way out of this. It’s going to be painful no matter what, but you need to decide which would be the lesser of all evils. You need to do what’s best for you. What will be the best in the long run, you know?” 

Lance turned glassy sea-blue eyes to Shiro, his lip quivered and Shiro’s heart sank with it. 

“We’ll all support you no matter what.” Shiro squeezed his hand again, “I’ll even help you figure it out okay?” 

Lance nodded. 

“Thin mint?” Shiro asked, holding the cookie towards Lance. 

Lance swiped the box out from under Shiro’s arm with a devious grin. 

“I’m suffering, I get the box,” 

“We’re all suffering, Lance.”

The Cuban man petulantly sticks his tongue out at Shiro. 

* * *

Keith took Allura to one of the local diners. The one with the best milkshakes. She’d refused to let him get one since he didn’t have any lactose pills on him. That sucked but hey it was fair. He’d ordered the largest plate of curly fries he could and was currently drowning them in ketchup. 

“So, you’re not straight and you’re in a relationship with a guy,” Keith surmised. 

“It’s complicated,” She defended, sending the silverware rattling. 

“So uncomplicate it,” 

She glared at him. 

He glared back. 

“It’s just… I’ve never really been attracted to men. I know how silly that sounds. But I’ve never really understood it. My parents, even at a young age, were very adamant about the wrongness of liking individuals of the same gender. They told me it was wrong and unnatural.”

“That’s fucked up,” 

“It really is,'' she said grimly. 

“I’ve done research on it as stupid as it sounds. I just… I wanted to know I wasn’t alone.that other people were as conflicted as me. I wanted to be validated rather than told that there's something wrong with me because I don’t fit into society’s outdated norms. Because of the way that this society is, it basically closets lesbian women and forces them to believe that there is something wrong with them. I didn’t realize I was subconsciously fighting this. Like I know that I tend to self-sabotage relationships, and set ridiculously high standards. I want the relationship to be over before it truly ever begins. I always complain about the relationship. I know I’m guilty of that. I hope that by complaining someone will intervene and tell me its alright to break it off. I panic the second someone returns my ‘feelings’. I don’t notice an attractive man unless someone else points them out. I don’t fantasize about men. The only ‘attraction’ to men I have is when they’re unattainable. I force myself to follow through with ‘escalating’ a relationship because that's the thing to do. I keep telling myself that I ‘just have to give them a chance’ or that, ‘I haven't met the right one yet’. I’ve heard it all my life but it’s never true. I drag my feet when it comes to male relationships. I really don’t want to date men but have to because it’s easier than telling my parents and dealing with that disappointment.

“That’s really toxic, what the hell,” Keith snarls. 

“I’m just. I’m breaking. I’m hurting myself because I can’t handle hurting someone else. I feel like I’m being unfair to Lance,” She sobs. She feels her chest constricting and the tears like brands down her face. 

“I’m miserable. I’m just disappointing everyone. I just wanted to be a good friend and I’m failing so bad at that. And I’ve hurt Lance beyond-” 

“Allura, breathe.” He says calmly. 

“Look, I know Lance. He’d never hold it against you. He might be a little sad but… He’d never be mad at you if you’re honest with him. It would kill him to see you in pain. So you need to think of yourself for once. You need to do what will make you the happiest.”

She chews at her lip, voice hoarse, “But-” 

“No.” He cuts her off. 

“Allura, like you said if you continue like this you’ll all be miserable. But my one bit of advice I can give you, that I may or may not have stolen from a therapist, is that you aren’t responsible for other people's emotions or reactions. So you need to let that go and do things for yourself.”

“Will you help me?” 

“Of course,” Keith smiles, violet eyes glinting. 

He couldn’t help but feel his heart breaking for his friends. 

* * *

When Allura had received Lance’s text to meet up later that evening, she didn’t know what to expect. 

After her conversation with Keith and his plan to let Lance down gently she thought she could do this. He’d told her, 

_ “There will never be a perfect moment, you have to make your own,” _

Maybe this was a sign. Maybe this was the universe telling her that she needed to unscrew herself. 

She found Lance sitting at their usual table, their usual meals, in their usual places. 

She’d miss this. She’d miss their ridiculous middle of the night dinners or breakfasts, it depended on their mood. 

“Hi,” She said hesitantly. 

“Hi,” he breathed, his blue eyes downcast. He didn’t pull her in for a hug either. That small detail sat like lead in her stomach. 

“Thank you for dinner,” She said coolly, surveying the meal. 

“Look Allura, I’m sorry but I need to tell you something,”

Allura felt panic shocking her heart. 

“I really wanted to wait to tell you this, but you know that when I get stressed I get restless and can’t focus. This has been eating me alive, and so like … before I start I’m really sorry its-”

“I have something to tell you too, I’m just- Look Lance I really need to-” She manages, eyes wide, heart rabbiting against her ribs. 

“Say it at the same time?” he offers though he’s tense. 

Allura nods in confirmation. 

He opens his mouth, then closes it without a sound. 

He stares. 

She stares. 

She says nothing. 

He hesitates. 

She hesitates. 

“No hard feelings?” She asks. Her fingers feel numb and her vision is tunneling. 

“Okay, ummm… on the count of three.” 

“On three or after three.” 

“On three?”

“Yeah, okay… sure.”

“One” The number hangs painfully in the air. 

“Two” The number cleaves the air, nicking their hearts on the way. 

“I like boys.” 

“I like girls.”

They freeze. 

Time seems to freeze.

Did she just say?

Did I hear him correctly?

“You like girls?”

“You like boys?” 

Their voices merge as they rejoin time. 

Allura feels the hystria leaking into her laugh. 

“Yeah, I’m not totally straight,” 

“Oh, thank god, neither am I.” 

Lance bursts out laughing. Allura joining in too. 

The pair laughing uncontrollably in the middle of a dimly lit diner in the early hours of the morning. 

Other patrons in the restaurant cast curious glances their way but the couple ignored them.

  
  
  


“Oh my God, we’re idiots,” Lance manages. 

“We really are.” Allura agrees feeling lighter than she had in months. 

“So, do you want to do the honors or shall I?” 

Allura fluttered her lashes, “We’ll it’s easier for me if you do it,”

“Alright,” Lance lifts his glass a bit, in mock salute. “Think of this as a pledge more than a break up. But, no hard feelings, Allura, I’m breaking up with you so we’re free to be as gay as our hearts desire.” 

“I couldn’t have said it better myself,” Allura clinked her glass against his. 

* * *

Lance felt his heart stuttering in his chest. His family was just staring at him. He’d had this ridiculous plan and he’d just outed himself, maybe he overdid the theatrics a bit, but maybe they’d worked in his favor. Maybe it just further horrified his family into this speechless state. 

He could feel his breath catching and the stinging of tears that had yet to fall. 

He didn’t dare breathe. He couldn’t.

“Oh, mijo,” His mother started, eyes soft. 

“¿realmente crees que ya no te amaríamos?”

“Sí,” He felt the tears slip down his face as his mother crushed him with her embrace. 

“Te amamos sin importar lo que.” 

“Prometes?” 

“por supuesto que sí” his father said, enveloping him and his mother into a hug. His siblings joining in with cheers of love and Veronica also yelling she’s gay, promising Lance they can horrify their extended family at family gatherings after this. 

Lance realized how lucky he was to have such a loving and supportive family. He would forever be thankful for them. He knew that despite how much the times had changed there were people who just couldn’t accept people for who they were. People who couldn’t tolerate deviations from their norms. 

Lance smiled, finally letting himself relax. Everything would be okay. 

The worst was over. 

Allura could feel her anger bubbling over. 

Her father’s face had gone pale, so much so it was almost green. He was so repulsed by her he was going to be ill. 

“How?”

_ How _ ? That was all he had to say. If he hit her it would be better than the look on his face the disgust, the disappointment-

“It’s nothing you could have stopped me from being. It’s as much a part of me as my hair or eyes.” 

“No,” 

“ _ NO? _ ” She seethed. “What do you  _ mean _ , ‘No.’” 

“You can’t be,” 

Allura opened her mouth to shout, to scream she didn’t know, but the guilt on her father's face, the regret, the pain, it stole the words right out of her mouth. 

“I thought that,” Alfor was shaking, his eyes frantic. He turned to Coran whose face was carefully neutral. 

“What?” Allura snapped at him. 

He deflated a bit, his hand lingering on Alfor’s shoulder, his words whispered too softly for her to hear. 

“You just can’t be Allura, please, you have to understand. Do you even know what you’re saying?”   
  


“Yes! I do! I’VE KNOWN FOR YEARS BUT I’VE LIVED IN FEAR OF THIS REACTION!” She chest was rising and falling frantically. 

“Mother would have been accepting.” 

“You’re wrong,” Coran’s words hung heavy in the air. 

“Huh?” 

Coran shook his head, tears falling.

“Mother was repulsed to have bene with a man such as yourself,” She seethed at her father. 

“With the way you think,” Allura turned frenzied. “It’s no wonder she left.” 

“That’s not why she left us,” Alfor finally said. 

“”Oh? She could tolerate your outdated ways of thinking? She could decide that it was alright to abdon me!”

“I’m the reason your mother left!” Alfor near roared. 

Allura’s jaw snapped shut so fast her teeth rattled. 

Alfor looked like a deer in headlights. Panic lining every inch of his body. 

“What?”   
  


Alfor’s fingers curled into a fist. 

When he met Allura’s shocked expression he had tears staining his face. 

He walked over to her, pulling her into a suffocating hug. 

“You’re more like me than you’ll ever know. That side of me repulsed your mother. It was a political alliance, and I hadn’t hinted at anything in regards to my own preferences. That's not something my family supported. They never allowed me to pursue my own feelings, or aspirations for that matter. I wanted to be a pilot,” He choked out, Coran squeezed his shoulder encouragingly. 

“I was hoping that you wouldn’t have to live the life I was forced into. I had hoped that it was a phase that I was mistaken for, because I didn't want you to suffer the way I did. In the end I am beyond thankful for having you. But it broke my heart. I know deep down that it was wrong, the way I treat you sometimes. I know that I had hated my own parents for forcing me to marry someone I didn't love but…well, anyway, your mother and I both wanted a child. We were both so blessed to have you,”

Alfor was shaking. 

Allura felt herself awkwardly trying to comfort her father. 

“Father-”

“But, then your mother found out I was in a relationship with a man. She was so infuriated by it she just up and left. She refused to see you because my ways had tainted you. She agreed that if there was no way you were like me, in favoring the same sex, that she’d see you again. It’s unfair but it’s why I’ve been pushing you so hard, trying to prevent you from being like me. I don’t want to tear you away from your-”

Allura let out a sob tucking her face into her father’s chest. 

This was…It was too much. 

“Allura, I’m so sorry. I was only trying to do what I thought was best for you. You’re a growing girl, you need your mother. You deserve a whole family, a chance at that normalcy.”

Allura shook her head. 

“No, I need someone who accepts me and doesn’t shove me back into the closet. I need someone to validate my feelings. I need someone to support me.” 

“I’m willing to try, to be better. I will likely need some help, but you’ll have me, if you want, I don’t want to force you. But I want to give you a chance at freedom and happiness I never had.”

“You have my support as well,” Coran says, his smile brighter than his hair, as he pecked Alfor on the cheek. 

Allura blushed. 

“You’re not alone, Allura, we’re here for you,”

She smiled. Maybe this could be alright. 

“We should celebrate,” Alfor decided. “Allura, Coran how about-”

”There’s one thing I was hoping we could do to celebrate,” Allura started drawing the attention of the lovers, that's what they were, back to her. 

Wow so much of her childhood is making so much sense now. 

“Oh?” He asked, suddenly worried. 

Allura’s disarming grin did nothing to ease his anxiety. 

“Don’t worry it's simple.”

* * *

It was a friday and for once the atmosphere didn’t feel like it was endlessly sucking her energy. Allura twined her fingers through Romelle’s as the girl brushed a strand of hair behind Allura’s ear. Her once long silver hair now ended at her chin. She felt lighter, she felt like she wasn’t hiding anymore. 

At their table, Hunk and Shay were mediating a heated discussion about which was better, “TikTok” or “Vine”

It seemed that Adam, Shiro, and Matt were firm believers in Vine, though Matt and Shiro also acknowledge the meme culture of TikTok. Honestly the rest of them enjoyed both but liked riling up Adam. 

Lance pressed a gentle kiss to Keiths hand, on the square of skin that his dumb gloves didn’t hide. Keith’s answering gaze was so lovestruck that Pidge made gagging noises across the table. 

“Go back to your technology, Pidge.” 

“I will!” 

Lance met Allura’s gaze across the way and smiled warmly. 

Finally everything felt right. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here we are, the end of the road. Thank you for the positive reaction to me sorting my own problems out via writing. I've come to a lot of conclusions, I have a plan to deal with my situation. Not to mention I've lost track of how many times I've basically stated I like girls more than boys to this guy but like bruuuuuuh. 
> 
> let me know if you want me to post the epilogue I wrote to this story :)
> 
> Please let me know if there are mistakes in my spanish I don't want to offend anyone or have mistakes. Despite the fact I've been learning it since middle school I'm still not entirely confident in it. So, if anyone would want to help me with my spanish translations and stuff to make sure they're accurate and make sense please let me know, because I really want to start incorporating writing in spanish.


End file.
